So over the years I’ve done a few after dinner speeches. I’ve found these very difficult. However, some time ago I realised that if you just do your entire speech in rhyming couplets then every one laughs (even if the content is rubbish).

Since I realised this, I’ve started writing poems, mainly for my son. Of course that means that they have to be reasonably crass. Farts, pee and poo are great subjects and make him crease himself. However, I also did one called “I’m not afraid of the dark” and he loved this and started sleeping really well after I started reading to it to him before bed.

Anyway, here’s an example of what I mean. This one is called “My Son Has Farty Pants” and it goes a little something like this….

My Son Has Farty Pants

My son has farty pants

It happens every day

And also the entire night

What more can I say?

The sound his pumps make

Are deafening to my ears

And the stink that they bring

Cause all my nasal fears

He is a stinky monster

The worst of his kind

And where the smell comes from

I am yet to find

It must be his breakfast

His dinner or his lunch

But wherever they come from

They sure to pack a punch

For breakfast he has porridge

That’s not a stinky food

But if he eats too much

The pumps he does would

For lunch he has a sandwich

Usually ham and cheese

But still his stinky bottom

Makes people’s breathing wheeze

For dinner chilli con carne

But that can be quite bad

The results are completely awful

And make my nose so sad

All his meals might do it

Of which I do not know

But when the farts appear

You know it’s time to go

Maybe inside his tummy

There’s a stinky gas machine

That collects up all the smells

From the places that he’s been

The machine then starts the stink

Deep in it’s working parts

And a few minutes later

Come out a million farts

I have tried all the tricks

To stop smelling his pong

But they have impressive reek

And my tricks are all wrong

So the problem is this

I have to smell his smell

And he keeps on doing them

And doing them so well

So I guess for now

The option that I’ve chose

Is to spend every day

With a My Son Has Farty Pants

My son has farty pants

It happens every day

And also the entire night

What more can I say?

The sound his pumps make

Are deafening to my ears

And the stink that they bring

Cause all my nasal fears

He is a stinky monster

The worst of his kind

And where the smell comes from

I am yet to find

It must be his breakfast

His dinner or his lunch

But wherever they come from

They sure to pack a punch

For breakfast he has porridge

That’s not a stinky food

But if he eats too much

The pumps he does would

For lunch he has a sandwich

Usually ham and cheese

But still his stinky bottom

Makes people’s breathing wheeze

For dinner chilli con carne

But that can be quite bad

The results are completely awful

And make my nose so sad

All his meals might do it

Of which I do not know

But when the farts appear

You know it’s time to go

Maybe inside his tummy

There’s a stinky gas machine

That collects up all the smells

From the places that he’s been

The machine then starts the stink

Deep in it’s working parts

And a few minutes later

Come out a million farts

I have tried all the tricks

To stop smelling his pong

But they have impressive reek

And my tricks are all wrong

So the problem is this

I have to smell his smell

And he keeps on doing them

And doing them so well

So I guess for now

The option that I’ve chose

Is to spend every day

With a clothespeg on my nose

I know the pumps still smell

And they belong in a bin

But at least with a clothespeg

I don’t have to breathe them in

Time – Depends. I think you get faster with these as you practice. This one took me about 30 minutes.

Equipment – Pen and paper / computer / tablet

Cost – free

Difficulty – easy

Partner annoyance factor – none that I’m aware of

Family – My family love these. I’ve done a whole variety of topics for each of the family members and they all love them.

Rewards – these are a bit of a legacy. Hopefully these poems will last and my kids will pass them on to their kids. I’ve kept a journal of all of these and I hope they continue trying to add more.