So over the years I’ve done a few after dinner speeches. I’ve found these very difficult. However, some time ago I realised that if you just do your entire speech in rhyming couplets then every one laughs (even if the content is rubbish).
Since I realised this, I’ve started writing poems, mainly for my son. Of course that means that they have to be reasonably crass. Farts, pee and poo are great subjects and make him crease himself. However, I also did one called “I’m not afraid of the dark” and he loved this and started sleeping really well after I started reading to it to him before bed.
Anyway, here’s an example of what I mean. This one is called “My Son Has Farty Pants” and it goes a little something like this….
My Son Has Farty Pants
My son has farty pants
It happens every day
And also the entire night
What more can I say?
The sound his pumps make
Are deafening to my ears
And the stink that they bring
Cause all my nasal fears
He is a stinky monster
The worst of his kind
And where the smell comes from
I am yet to find
It must be his breakfast
His dinner or his lunch
But wherever they come from
They sure to pack a punch
For breakfast he has porridge
That’s not a stinky food
But if he eats too much
The pumps he does would
For lunch he has a sandwich
Usually ham and cheese
But still his stinky bottom
Makes people’s breathing wheeze
For dinner chilli con carne
But that can be quite bad
The results are completely awful
And make my nose so sad
All his meals might do it
Of which I do not know
But when the farts appear
You know it’s time to go
Maybe inside his tummy
There’s a stinky gas machine
That collects up all the smells
From the places that he’s been
The machine then starts the stink
Deep in it’s working parts
And a few minutes later
Come out a million farts
I have tried all the tricks
To stop smelling his pong
But they have impressive reek
And my tricks are all wrong
So the problem is this
I have to smell his smell
And he keeps on doing them
And doing them so well
So I guess for now
The option that I’ve chose
Is to spend every day
With a My Son Has Farty Pants
My son has farty pants
It happens every day
And also the entire night
What more can I say?
The sound his pumps make
Are deafening to my ears
And the stink that they bring
Cause all my nasal fears
He is a stinky monster
The worst of his kind
And where the smell comes from
I am yet to find
It must be his breakfast
His dinner or his lunch
But wherever they come from
They sure to pack a punch
For breakfast he has porridge
That’s not a stinky food
But if he eats too much
The pumps he does would
For lunch he has a sandwich
Usually ham and cheese
But still his stinky bottom
Makes people’s breathing wheeze
For dinner chilli con carne
But that can be quite bad
The results are completely awful
And make my nose so sad
All his meals might do it
Of which I do not know
But when the farts appear
You know it’s time to go
Maybe inside his tummy
There’s a stinky gas machine
That collects up all the smells
From the places that he’s been
The machine then starts the stink
Deep in it’s working parts
And a few minutes later
Come out a million farts
I have tried all the tricks
To stop smelling his pong
But they have impressive reek
And my tricks are all wrong
So the problem is this
I have to smell his smell
And he keeps on doing them
And doing them so well
So I guess for now
The option that I’ve chose
Is to spend every day
With a clothespeg on my nose
I know the pumps still smell
And they belong in a bin
But at least with a clothespeg
I don’t have to breathe them in
Time – Depends. I think you get faster with these as you practice. This one took me about 30 minutes.
Equipment – Pen and paper / computer / tablet
Cost – free
Difficulty – easy
Partner annoyance factor – none that I’m aware of
Family – My family love these. I’ve done a whole variety of topics for each of the family members and they all love them.
Rewards – these are a bit of a legacy. Hopefully these poems will last and my kids will pass them on to their kids. I’ve kept a journal of all of these and I hope they continue trying to add more.